Ask Snape
by AlyssaLLBlack13
Summary: What happens when Severus Snape gets his own advice column? NOTE: Please see disclaimer at the end of Chapter One. Reader participation is strongly encouraged! Not cannon.
1. Chapter 1

Dear Readers,

In his ongoing efforts to make me nicer (insert my shudders and your screams of terror here), Professor Dumbledore has decided that I should write my own advice column. Yes, that's right, an advice column. Believe me; I'm not thrilled about it either.

I am required to tell you that I am to take your questions and letters, no matter how annoying or pointless they may be (insert another shudder from me here). I must answer everything, so send me your questions.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

_**Author's Note: Now for my disclaimer. I don't own Harry Potter, JK Rowling does. I just take some liberties with them now and again. I also cannot claim full responsibility for this idea. I borrowed it from a now-defunct website called The Unspeakables. Now, I encourage all of my readers to send in their own questions or comments for Professor Snape. He will get to them all eventually!**_


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Greaseball,

Have you ever considered shaving? You always have greasy hair, and you clearly won't use shampoo. So if you shaved, it would solve that problem. Logically, you know we're right. And we hear bald is in.

-Gred and Forge

Dear Gred and Forge,

Or should I say Fred and George? How's your schedule for the next two weeks? Clear? Good, because you've just bought yourself two weeks of detention. Including Saturdays. In my office, no excuses, beginning today.

Dear Professor,

Use some shampoo for once!

-gourg.black.hare

Dear gourg.black.hare,

You can join your friends the Weasley twins in detention.

Dear Professor,

My, um, friend is um, going out with my, um, crush. Should I still be

friends with her or hate her?

-ihavafrenemy

Dear ihavafrenemy,

Pretend to forgive her. Then, when she isn't looking, spike her tea with arsenic, laugh at her as she writhes in agony before succumbing to a painful death, and take your crush back.

Or, you could just poison his tea. That'll teach him to date women who are not you. Personally, I'd go with option one.

Dear Professor Snape,

Were you ever in love with anyone?

-chosen1

Dear chosen1,

I was only told that I had to answer your questions. They never said I had to give a real answer. Therefore, I will only say that it is none of your business.

Dear Professor,

My friend has a crush on me and I really want him to just be my friend

BUT his friend (my crush) is encouraging him to keep asking me CORNY love questions. What in the worlds name am I suppose to do?

–Valomilk

Dear Valomilk,

I could recommend several good hit men for you. It sounds like you need to simply eliminate the problem. Kill them and move on.

_**A/N: Thanks for the wonderful responses, guys! Unfortunately, those were all the questions the Professor had time for today, but keep them coming, he will get to them all.**_


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Readers, I am back (not by choice) to answer some more of your questions. I admit, I've found strange humor in reading all the ridiculous things you have to say to me. But you aren't here to read my criticisms on your typical teenage angst, so without further ado, I'll answer my first question. -Severus Snape

Dear Professor,

What house should I be in? I have a lot of book knowledge, enough cleverness to fool my parents, a great ambition, and sometimes I let idiotic bravery get the better of me.

-Kitsune no Shinobu

Dear Kitsune no Sinobu,

Let me think. Book knowledge, cleverness, ambition, and idiotic bravery, you say? You have all the qualities of both a Slytherin and a Gryffindor. My advice: Get online, take one of those pesky "Sorting Hat" tests, see what it says, and then stab yourself in the eye with a hot, greasy French fry.

PS-Yes, I borrowed that from a certain squirrel. He has some good ideas.

Dear Professor,

Why did you follow an evil nose-less wizard? Honestly, did his skills in bed make up for his lack of a nose or something? This has always baffled me.

-Sandwich Theorem

Dear Sandwich Theorem,

I would say that you've earned yourself a detention for your pertinence, but I've grown rather tired of having sweaty, useless, underage wizards in my office all day. So, to answer your question, yes. Yes it did.

Dear Professor,

I need to know why you are such an ass. Can't you be nice to the Gryffindors? And WHY is your hair so...so...well you know!

-Slytherin Snake

Dear Slytherin Snake,

I am the way I am for various reasons. None of which I will share with you. No, I cannot be nice to the Gryffindors, it stems from my deep seated hatred of James Potter and his friends. If you were a true Slytherin, you wouldn't have asked. As to your comment on my hair, I'm going to ignore it. This time.

Dear Professor Snape,

I recently found a large, fluffy white teddy bear with a necklace reading "Lily" on its neck and the initials "S.S." embroidered on its back. I wasn't sure what to do with it, so I kept it. Should I have tried harder to find its owner, or did I do the right thing? –N. Longbottom

Longbottom,

Bring the bear to my office, no questions asked. I'll see that it is returned to its proper owner.

Dear Professor,

So like I really really like this professor. I mean he has this dry and sarcastic wit about him and oh the way his black cloaks billow. What should I do?

-Gryf Gurl

Dear Gryf Gurl,

Interesting. Very interesting. How about you come to my office at 6 pm for dinner? I can show you how Slytherins unwind after a long day…

_**A/N: Ew. So, anyways, keep those questions coming, because I'm starting to run out!**_


	4. Chapter 4

Dear Professor,

Dear Professor,

Your buttons have always intrigued me. Please tell us, if you will, do you button them all by hand everyday, or use a spell?

-FascinatingSnape

Dear FascinatingSnape,

You seem to know quite a bit about my buttons. And since you asked so politely (read: submissively), I will indulge your need for knowledge. I do indeed button them all by hand daily. It's quite a task, but it hones my reflexes, effectively cutting down on my spell casting time.

Dear Prof Snape,

Any chance you'd consider substituting those buttons of yours for zips? Easier access if you know what I mean, wink wink.

-GoldenBoy

Dear GoldenBoy,

See answer above as to why I prefer buttons. And I don't actually play for that team anymore. You'd want to see Lupin or Black. And I offer my own question to my readers: Why the obsession with the buttons? Any who answer will get extra points in Potions.

Dear Professor:

Just wondering if you could dispel some rumors that have been going around regarding the faculty. Is there a romantic relationship between the Headmaster and Prof. McGonagall? I heard some rather lurid tales that feature Madam Hooch and Gilderoy Lockhart, can you confirm?

Also, some third years said that Prof. Sprout is a dormouse Animagus, and that last year she succeeded in luring Mrs. Norris out of the castle so that the Headmaster could plan a surprise party for Filch. Please spill their secrets.

-Gossiphound

Dear Gossiphound,

Hmmm. Perhaps I could be tempted to reveal some secrets among my fellow staff members. I'll give you one for free, even: No, Pomona is not a dormouse Animagus, nor has the Headmaster ever planned a party for Argus. Now, as to my, ah, payment regarding the next two answers, please see me in my office. They will cost you. The answers, respectively, are: No, there never has or will be; and you heard those rather lurid tales right.

Dear Professor Snape,

I can't seem to find a big enough rod to stir my cauldron with. Do you have any suggestions on where I should look?

-ChoC

Dear ChoC,

How big is your cauldron? Because that seems to be quite an unusual problem you have. I'm not sure what to tell you.

Dear Professor Snape,

Would you ever consider wearing colorful robes? Please? Just once?

-Hannah A.

Dear Hannah,

Let's think logically about that question. No, wait, let's play charades. You guess. One word: N-O.

Dear Professor Snape,

I'm sorry again for not looking where I was going & running into you outside the apothecary at Diagon Alley this weekend & making you drop all your things. You must have not noticed but you accidentally left behind your 'Jenny Craig Starter Kit' box in your rush. Should I pass it on to you at the next meal at the Great Hall?

-BushyKlutz

Dear BushyKlutz,

I have no idea what you are talking about. I have never used Jenny Craig in my life. Oh, wait, yes, I do remember now. I picked that up for Sibyl, she's been after me to get it for her for weeks now. I would appreciate if you bring it to my office after dinner. And if you tell anyone, I will be forced to give you several months of detentions.

Dear Professor Snape,

Why is your hair so greasy? Maybe you should see a hair specialist...

–TheNightimeSky

Dear TheNightimeSky,

I'm starting to get tired of these inane questions about my hair. Please refrain from asking them in the future.

_**A/N: Please, I'm begging you, NO MORE HAIR QUESTIONS!! They get very old, very fast. Counting "Gred and Forge" we've done at least four in the first three advice sessions. Please, do not submit anymore hair questions, as they will probably be disregarded. Remember, I have to actually pick and choose which questions go in where, meaning I re-read them all constantly. Thank you in advance!**_


	5. Author's Note

**Dear Readers:**

**Professor Snape has been too busy to answer questions, but he has managed to find some time again. (Meaning I, Alyssa, have not had time to do anything and now I'm making time). Please submit questions, I have enough to do only one more chapter.**

**Thanks and Looking forward to starting up again!**


	6. Chapter 6

Dear Readers,

After a brief hiatus, during which my other duties called, I am returning to answer more of your questions. Perhaps I'm a glutton for punishment, or perhaps I secretly enjoying ridiculing each and every one of you. You decide. -Severus Snape

Dear Professor,  
What is the best way to go about infecting a man with a love potion? I have this crush on a certain Potions Master, see. -Sophie

Dear Sophie,

I see we're starting off early with the inane and idiotic questions. Try spiking his goblet. I wouldn't recommend trying it on Slughorn, though. Why you would ever have a crush on him...

Dear Professor Snape,  
I Have two questions for you...  
you drink your pumpkin juice this morning? *looks innocently at you*  
2. Could I get out of my detention with you on Saturday, because i kinda have another one with Professor M.? -kweenofmagic

Dear kweenofmagic,

I always thought it was spelled "queen". Interesting. No, you may not get out of your detention on Saturday. I expect to see you in the dungeon, pickling mandrake roots. As for the first question, I don't drink pumpkin juice in the morning. I find that a shot of firewhiskey gets me through the day. And I'm immune to most potions.

Dear Professor Snape,  
It just seems that every rod I've been offered didn't quite stir the desired effects. I've tested out quite a few boys', even Harry... I mean, a guy I know called Henry, but to be honest with you, I think he'd be more interested in helping out Ronald Weasley than me if you catch my drift.  
However, you look like you might have a big enough 'rod'. -Cho C

Dear Cho C,

Due to a recent lawsuit, I'm obligated to inform you that I am not allowed to accept any offers, veiled or otherwise, of sex with a student.

Dear Professor,  
Do you have a familiar? -Huffy Puffy

Dear Huffy Puffy,

That is classified information. I'm not going to answer one way or another.

Dear Professor Snape,

Last week, I was drenched in a potion. It was sort of green, and was glowing. As the greatly esteemed teacher of the wonderful class of Potions, I wonder if you could help me identify it. Its only side effect is that I have a crush on a beaver toothed female Gryffindor with bushy hair. HELP! -ConfuzzeledCho

Dear ConfuzzeledCho,

Flattery will not avail you, but it's a nice touch. As to the potion, I'm afraid all you can do is wait for it to wear off. I'm also taking fifty points from Ravenclaw for horseplay during my class.

Dear Professor Snape,  
Why are you so mean to Gryffindors? I mean, can't a grown man get over such foolish house rivalries! -Hermione Granger

Dear Hermione Granger,

I always find it amusing when you students answer your own idiotic questions. You Gryffindors make it so easy to be mean to you.

_**A/N: That's all the questions Professor Snape has time for this week. Be sure to send in new questions, because once I run out, I can't continue.**_


	7. Chapter 7

Dear Readers:

Yet again, I find my office flooded with your inane questions. Since I'm still bound to Dumbledore to answer the idiotic things (let me give you some advice. Don't ever make an Unbreakable Vow with that man), I have selected a few more to suffer through.

~Severus

~o0o~

Dear Professor Snape,  
I have to admit your silky baritone voice makes me go all woozy and weak in the knees! Have you ever considered show business?  
You'd make such an awe-inspiring Phantom nobody would give a rat's ass about that insipid Raoul deChagny!  
Just wondering.  
~Wikkidgothbabe

Dear Wikkidgothbabe,

Show business, you say? I'd have to consider it. But the Phantom is not a valid choice for me. You see, The Phantom of the Opera happens to be a close friend of mine and I feel that I would never do him justice.

~Severus

~o0o~

Dear Professor Snape,  
The Foamy Card Cult gathers. Come and bring bagels with the creamy cheese!  
~Your Lord and Master Foamy.

Dear Foamy,  
Unfortunately, I must teach a class at the time the Cult meets. I will owl some bagels with cream cheese to you at my earliest convenience.  
~Severus

~o0o~

Dear Professor. Snape,  
Merlin, I cant believe I'm asking my head of house this...  
OK I don't know what to do. I'm in love with my beautiful best friend. She's amazing with her dark brown/red hair, blue-green eyes; and she's just amazing in every way possible. I know she likes me, she makes it obvious. I know she thinks I only look at her as a best friend, because all I do is sleep with all the sluts of Slytherin. No wonder no one likes our house. How do I let her know I love her without saying it?  
With all the respect to my favorite Professor/Head of House  
~Dazed and lost D.M.

Dear D.M.,  
There's no need to hide your identity from me, as the quality of your letter says it all. Please note, I have corrected all of your grammar and spelling errors. The full unchanged letter will be left as is in the post section for those of you who wish to read it. Now, D.M., as to your question. Simply tell her how you feel. Although if she's who I think she is, you're out of luck, as she's deeply in love with Draco Malfoy and as far as I know, Draco is currently dating a Gryffindor girl. Ah, but what do I know? I don't keep up with student romance. Oh, and detention for impersonating Draco. My office, Friday night.  
~Severus

~o0o~

Dear Professor Snape,  
I have a question regarding potion-making.  
If -as you have explained that potions don't require "foolish wand-waving" - and with the knowledge that Tom Riddle's mother was in fact a squib and successfully produced the Amortentia potion, does this mean, logically speaking, that muggles have the ability to learn the art of potion-making?  
Thank you,  
~MangledPuppets

Dear MangledPuppets,  
No. Muggles cannot learn the art of potion-making. And as far as I am aware, Merope Gaunt was not a Squib. If I remember correctly, once she was out of the influence of her father and brother, she was quite capable of producing wonderful magic.  
~Severus

~o0o~

Dear Professor Snape,  
I don't know what to do. I'm in love with my blond haired, blue eyed best friend. I make it very obvious that I like him, and his blind ass doesn't even notice it. All he cares about are all the damn Slytherin sluts. No wonder everyone hate our house. What should I do to get his attention, to make him look at me as a future girlfriend and not just his best-friend?  
With love to my favorite Professor/Head of House,  
~Hopeless in Tayler

Dear Tayler,  
Dear me, I do believe you and D.M. up there are the same person. That explains quite a bit. Now, as I explained above, as far as I know, Draco Malfoy is in love with a Gryffindor girl, and is quite happy with her. The detention on Friday night still stands.  
~Severus

~o0o~

Dear Professor Snape,  
Hey, listen. I re-wrote your first years speech. I think it could be a lot peppier, don't you? And to be honest, the whole "feminine curves of a potions flask" thing kinda makes you sound like a perverted pedo. So, without further ado, your new and improved first-years speech!

"Hiya, kiddies! *giggles* This year, we're gonna learn all about how to make cool thingy-mabobs out of all this neat-o stuff! We get to use dragon guts and monster eyeballs, and then drink the weird stuff we make out of them! Isn't that so totally freaksville? My name's Sevvie, by the way!"  
I suggest wearing a clown-suit during this speech, by the way!  
~I-ONLY-HAVE-YOUR-BEST-INTERESTS-AT-HEART

~Dear Interests,  
Please owl me your home address so I may kill you in your sleep. There is no way I would ever, ever speak those words, especially not to the first years I am trying to intimidate. However, I will take your clown suit suggestion into consideration..._yikes, this is Albus interrupting. I hear the outrage from anxious parents who haven't even read this yet, and I assure you that Severus will never be allowed to teach any subject in a clown suit. Hogwarts cannot afford any more lawsuits against him!_

_..._Buzzkill. Anyhow, Interests, detention in my office on Saturday. 8 pm sharp.  
~Severus

_**Author's Note: OK, we're going to stop Snape there. He's getting a little ornery. Stay tuned, he'll be back soon to answer more of your questions! **_


End file.
